Let’s consider this an unofficial poll:
E.T. is pretty ugly right?
I mean, empirically, it is pretty tough to argue that he is
not, right? Here are the three features that stick out to me: smashed face,
creepy long neck, and dumpy body. That is the description of every terrifying
lunch lady I ever had in elementary school. But in 1982ish, I bet every kid my
age had that little bastard’s face adorned on something. My personal
experience: A hard plastic action figure (as collectors of Star Wars and G.I.
Joe merchandise everywhere will tell you, it is an action figure and not a
doll. P.S.-they are totally dolls) that had a little button so you could extend
his neck to full creepy length, along with a red splotch on his chest* and the
tip of his finger to indicate his weird space alien powers. It doesn’t get any
more made-in-China ugly than that.
*Does anyone remember
the Neil Diamond song based on E.T.? “Turn on Your Heartlight.” This could be
the most embarrassing song to come out of the 80s. Good God, the 80s were a
creative wasteland. We had hit songs about E.T. and Pac Man. Anyyyywho, Neil
Diamond. All I remember is him belting out the name of the song every chorus.
It is as horribly glorious as it sounds. If you want to grind everything in a
bar to a halt, find this on the juke box. You will get at least 25 “what the
hell” looks immediately.
But here’s the deal-I still cry like a little girl every
time when E.T. dies. Never fails. Plus, when he is levitating those bicycles, I
could not love the little bugger more. He is a hideous looking little creature,
but somehow he is more endearing to me than 90% of normal/handsome/beautiful
movie characters I watch. For some reason, he got under my skin but good.
I was far from alone in this regard. That move made a
gazillion dollars and was seen and universally loved by everyone. It is an easy
one to understand. But I am sure there are some other things that are under
most people’s radar that aren’t quite so easy to understand. This got me
thinking some of the things I unconditionally love, no matter how goofy, ugly,
or idiotic they seem to most people. So I have three examples, from three
different forms of media. This stuff is not critically loved and almost
universally ignored. But for some reason they struck a chord in me and I love
them all dearly.
1-Terriors. This
show ran of FX for about 33.5 seconds. Or 16 episodes, which is just about
identical when we are talking running times. No, it is not a reality show about
small dogs, but it obviously has the worst title ever. It is a private eye show
about two guys who have a ton of baggage, self-loathing, and regret for two
other shows. Did I mention it was really charming? I know that description
would seem to indicate you would need to watch with the razor blades safely
locked away, but you will just have to trust me. I love how irreverent it is
and how the characters are fully shaded people making real decisions. Plus, it
has Donal Logue who is just great in everything. Another thing he is in that
you probably haven’t heard of is The Tao
of Steve. Go check it out, it is pretty great as well.
2-Goon
I arrived to hockey pretty late in life. What can I say,
there weren’t a lot of pick-up ice hockey games breaking out in southwest
Missouri winters. The sport has grown on me a great deal, though I couldn’t
tell you 85.6% of the rules. If you haven’t guessed this is a hockey movie, but
you will not have to be a fan to enjoy it. Like all of the best sport movies,
it is set in the minor leagues (very much like the best baseball move Bull Durham), and that rough around the
edges feel really helps it. This is a completely profane and violent movie that
wears its black and blue heart right out on its sleeve. Seann William Scott
plays something other than Stiffler’s mom for once, Allison Pill (who is
completely wasted on The News Room)
is delightful. She plays the love interest as a damaged alcoholic girl who
sleeps around too much and makes it work. And Live Schreiber is as good as he
has ever been. Just go watch it already.
3-I Love You Beth
Cooper-I am talking the book and not the horrid movie here*. The premise of both is the same, but
execution is everything. A nerdy high school valedictorian decides to tell a
girl he loves her during her commencement speech; hijinks ensue. Dennis, the
main character has every possible form of physical abuse and humiliation done
to him over the course of the book, but when things finally turn his way…the
whole thing just makes me smile. I am pretty sure you can buy this book for
about 25 cents now. If you think about this list, I have really provided you
with a really cheap week or so of entertainment.
*Why do people let
Chris Columbus direct anything? He has never met a kick-to-the-groin joke he
doesn't like. So subtle, Mr. Columbus, so subtle.
As I look at that list I see a lot of things in common:
Damaged characters, seeking and gaining redemption after some trials…maybe I
need the number of a good therapist. Or maybe seeing the common thread is a
good thing. I don't know. I am sure everybody has their weird things that they have
an unreasonable blind spot for (and I would love to see other people's lists).
They say a mother loves her ugly child the most.
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