Soulful exercises in futility

Somebody, somewhere, said confession is good for the soul. I think that dude was kind of a jerk.

Just exactly what is it supposed to do for my soul that is so beneficial? I just don’t buy that it is the equivalent of eating some green vegetables every day. My soul doesn’t need an aerobic exercise for its benefit.  My personal experience is that confession is good for some public humiliation. Basically, you are saying “here is something embarrassing you did not realize about me. Feel free to judge!” to people of varying intimacy in your life. Then mockery ensues. (The mockery may be immediate, or it may be timed delayed, but make no mistake, it is coming. It can take many forms or tones, likely dependent on each individual. One thing I feel is certain, is the mocking involves a May Pole. Don’t look at me like that, I don’t make the rules. The very phrase May pole is bad in and of itself.) How exactly is that beneficial to my soul? I think a more accurate description would be confession is good for keeping your ego in check, or, as we say knee deep in the Ozark, good for making sure you are not too big for your britches. (The phrases that have been absorbed by my vocabulary due to growing up in southwest Missouri are quite a collection. Honestly, how else am I going to be familiar with the term britches? Another favorite: Your barn door is open, when you fly is unzipped. The connotations of this are staggering.)

 Having said that, I am open to trying new things. Let’s be honest, by soul could use some upkeep. Ok, it could use some bleaching, dry cleaning, and possibly sand blasting. After 41 years, it is looking a little rough around the edges. If I could just replace it, I would, but I have been told there is not much action in the soul market right now. If replacement is not an option, I am willing to give confession try. Cue the mood music:

 

Well, that was dramatic. None the less, my soul is wearing it leg warmers and ready for a work out! Let the confessing commence.

-I don’t think the original Star Wars movies are very good.

I just made age 30-45 men’s heads spin right off their shoulders. I get it, I worshipped at the altar of George Lucas for my entire childhood too, but let me ask you this: Have you actually watched these movies lately? Each one is the longest two hours of my life. Wooden acting, horrible dialogue, and the most ridiculous names you will ever hear aren’t even the biggest problems. That would be the enormous amount of boredom. Just like every other all-American boy of that time period, I bought in completely. Every penny I had, much to my father’s chagrin, went into all the toys and all of the other crap. But looking back, I think I enjoyed the toys much more than the movies. Which seems pretty reasonable for an 8 to 10 year old boy…which seems to be the exact audience these movies play too. Which is fine! Just take off your nostalgia colored glasses when you try to tell me they are the best movies ever made.

-For a portion of my adult life, I was a Kansas City Royals fan.

This is a tough one. I have mentioned before how late in life I arrived at baseball, and when I did, I was all in on the Royals. I had shirts, jersey, baseballs, and possibly a tattoo (By tattoo I mean a blue KC I drew on my calf in a fit of boredom). In my defense, the tickets for their games where much, much cheaper than the team on the east part of the state. I was also just coming out of my NBA induced coma and didn’t really get the history of the game. Another not small factor, everybody I knew was a Cardinal fan and I am by a natural contrarian. I feel so dirty. I am sure there are pictures of me out there sporting Royals merchandise; I would ask you to kindly destroy them.

-I once put 25 fireball jaw breakers in my mouth at once for $1.

The confession here isn’t so much the act itself as much as it is one of my most proud accomplishments. Here are some details you should know: 1-Fireball isn’t a clever name because they are red and round candy; these buggers are hot.  2-With 25 of these in my mouth I look remarkably like Dale the chipmunk from the Disney cartoons. 3-The most obvious side effect of this endeavor is pink tinted drool. A lot of it. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

-In a mock election in 4^th grade, I voted for Ronald Reagan.

This was the only time in my short life I have voted Republican on a presidential ticket. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I am pretty sure I thought this would lead to more pizza days in the cafeteria.

Those are the biggies. Both Usher and I feel much better. I will give my soul some cool down time, and then march it onto a scale and we will see just how good this was for it.

The Heart Wants What it Wants...

Let’s consider this an unofficial poll:

E.T. is pretty ugly right?

I mean, empirically, it is pretty tough to argue that he is not, right? Here are the three features that stick out to me: smashed face, creepy long neck, and dumpy body. That is the description of every terrifying lunch lady I ever had in elementary school. But in 1982ish, I bet every kid my age had that little bastard’s face adorned on something. My personal experience: A hard plastic action figure (as collectors of Star Wars and G.I. Joe merchandise everywhere will tell you, it is an action figure and not a doll. P.S.-they are totally dolls) that had a little button so you could extend his neck to full creepy length, along with a red splotch on his chest* and the tip of his finger to indicate his weird space alien powers. It doesn’t get any more made-in-China ugly than that.

*Does anyone remember the Neil Diamond song based on E.T.? “Turn on Your Heartlight.” This could be the most embarrassing song to come out of the 80s. Good God, the 80s were a creative wasteland. We had hit songs about E.T. and Pac Man. Anyyyywho, Neil Diamond. All I remember is him belting out the name of the song every chorus. It is as horribly glorious as it sounds. If you want to grind everything in a bar to a halt, find this on the juke box. You will get at least 25 “what the hell” looks immediately.

But here’s the deal-I still cry like a little girl every time when E.T. dies. Never fails. Plus, when he is levitating those bicycles, I could not love the little bugger more. He is a hideous looking little creature, but somehow he is more endearing to me than 90% of normal/handsome/beautiful movie characters I watch. For some reason, he got under my skin but good.

I was far from alone in this regard. That move made a gazillion dollars and was seen and universally loved by everyone. It is an easy one to understand. But I am sure there are some other things that are under most people’s radar that aren’t quite so easy to understand. This got me thinking some of the things I unconditionally love, no matter how goofy, ugly, or idiotic they seem to most people. So I have three examples, from three different forms of media. This stuff is not critically loved and almost universally ignored. But for some reason they struck a chord in me and I love them all dearly.

1-Terriors. This show ran of FX for about 33.5 seconds. Or 16 episodes, which is just about identical when we are talking running times. No, it is not a reality show about small dogs, but it obviously has the worst title ever. It is a private eye show about two guys who have a ton of baggage, self-loathing, and regret for two other shows. Did I mention it was really charming? I know that description would seem to indicate you would need to watch with the razor blades safely locked away, but you will just have to trust me. I love how irreverent it is and how the characters are fully shaded people making real decisions. Plus, it has Donal Logue who is just great in everything. Another thing he is in that you probably haven’t heard of is The Tao of Steve. Go check it out, it is pretty great as well.

2-Goon

I arrived to hockey pretty late in life. What can I say, there weren’t a lot of pick-up ice hockey games breaking out in southwest Missouri winters. The sport has grown on me a great deal, though I couldn’t tell you 85.6% of the rules. If you haven’t guessed this is a hockey movie, but you will not have to be a fan to enjoy it. Like all of the best sport movies, it is set in the minor leagues (very much like the best baseball move Bull Durham), and that rough around the edges feel really helps it. This is a completely profane and violent movie that wears its black and blue heart right out on its sleeve. Seann William Scott plays something other than Stiffler’s mom for once, Allison Pill (who is completely wasted on The News Room) is delightful. She plays the love interest as a damaged alcoholic girl who sleeps around too much and makes it work. And Live Schreiber is as good as he has ever been. Just go watch it already.

3-I Love You Beth Cooper-I am talking the book and not the horrid movie here*. The premise of both is the same, but execution is everything. A nerdy high school valedictorian decides to tell a girl he loves her during her commencement speech; hijinks ensue. Dennis, the main character has every possible form of physical abuse and humiliation done to him over the course of the book, but when things finally turn his way…the whole thing just makes me smile. I am pretty sure you can buy this book for about 25 cents now. If you think about this list, I have really provided you with a really cheap week or so of entertainment.

*Why do people let Chris Columbus direct anything? He has never met a kick-to-the-groin joke he doesn't like. So subtle, Mr. Columbus, so subtle.

As I look at that list I see a lot of things in common: Damaged characters, seeking and gaining redemption after some trials…maybe I need the number of a good therapist. Or maybe seeing the common thread is a good thing. I don't know. I am sure everybody has their weird things that they have an unreasonable blind spot for (and I would love to see other people's lists). They say a mother loves her ugly child the most.