The Hate List

Have you ever seen the Shining?

I realize this is widely considered the scariest move ever made now, according to those annoying critics list/polls that come out every Halloween.* My experience, however, is that very few actual living breathing human beings I know have seen movies that top any “Best Of” lists. Be honest, how many people do you know who have actually seen Citizen Kane? Vertigo? (Yes, I have seen these and I am a huuuuggggeeee snob about it.) By contrast, every pixel on my lap top screen claims to have seen everything ever made. So, going by my assumption that real carbon based life forms are reading this (and I realize, this is an enormous leap of faith on my part), what follows is a fairly big 34 year old SPOILER ALERT.

*I have always felt the Shining was a tad bit overrated. It is filled with a wonderful sense of dread and like all Kubrick films is stunning to look at, but I feel the whole thing doesn’t add up to what it could. I am a huge fan of the book, so maybe I am biased. The Exorcist and the vastly ignored Rosemary’s Baby will always be the scariest movies I have ever seen. (Brief plug: The scariest thing currently on TV is Hannibal. It looks, feels, and even sounds like nothing else I have ever seen. Please watch it, so I will continue to have something to do on Friday nights at 9.)

You probably know the movie is set in a hotel. In the basement of said hotel, is a rather large furnace that has seen better days. In fact, it is in such disrepair someone must periodically turn a valve to release the pressure that has built up, otherwise the whole thing will go ka-blooey.

Think of this as my release valve.

What follows is a list of things that at this specific moment of March, 2014, annoy me to no end. They range from the ridiculous to the slightly less ridiculous. All I ask is you take off your powder wigs, put down your gavels and refrain from passing too much judgment.

People who read the paper/headlines out loud to anyone who happens to be around:

-There is one of these jokers every place I have ever worked. There are 1,237 cable news channels (all numbers approximate) and everyone has constant access to the internet every second of every day. At this point we are one mother-may-I baby step from having the news of the day piped directly into our frontal lobe while we sleep.  So why do these people feel the break room is so desperate for a town crier? I am not sure what they think they are accomplishing or what the motivation is. The subtle brag that they can read at a fifth grade level? Listen bozo, yes, I have heard the top news stories of the day, and even if I haven’t, I am more than capable to pursue such information on my own. The level of hubris and narcissism is staggering-just because you have a paper in front of you doesn’t make you any more informed than the rest of us. Walter Cronkite you are not. Give it a rest. These people are directly related to….

People who won’t stop talking while I am trying to read: 

-Ways to tell I don’t want to have a conversation with you: 1) A complete refusal to make eye contact. Don’t mistake my complete my lack of interest of what you have to say for shyness. 2) My replies to all of your statements, no matter how outlandish, is a series of grunts. For example: “Have I shared my opinions about the current administration and how it is going to lead to the end times?” “Oh, yeah?” “Yep, I continue to work on my compound.” “Huh.” And so on and so forth. 3) There is a book open in front of me.

Why is that third one so difficult to understand? My only theory is that certain people can only associate reading with some form of punishment, like homework and whatnot. Well Mr. I-Have-Never-Read-a Book-Voluntarily, brace yourself for this truth-bomb- some people actually read for pleasure. Let that soak in for a second. Next time we are in a room or at adjacent tables in a fine eatery, don’t assume I am reading out of boredom or loneliness. Hold off on sharing your opinions of why the Chiefs are winning the Super Bowl or how many inches of snow you think we are getting because I am really invested in who wins the Quiddich match I am reading about. (Timely reference!)

Google Play commercials:

-These have been inescapable lately if you watch television at all. Someone is watching a recent movie on their tablet*, something recent like Dallas Buyers Club or Captain Phillips, and they suddenly pause the movie and unearth a bunch of information about one of the actors in the move. Who watches a movie this way? I am not writing a research paper about every movie I watch Google Play. Spare me your useless features.

* Item #538 of reasons I sound like a crazy old man: No matter how advance the technology gets, I am never going to get used to watching a movie on my phone or tablet screen. Remember when a really large TV was a sign of status? Please let me watch a movie designed for large projection on the smallest possible way to deliver it.

Boondock Saints:

I don’t get it. I have watched this movie twice and hated every second of it. Yet during any conversation I have about beloved movies this one invariably comes up, and it baffles me. I hate all the faux Boston/Irish ain’t we cool attitude, I loathe every single character, and I hate how it oozes with self-satisfaction and is just so damn in love with itself. Yes, I just went on a rant about a 15 year old movie. The next things on this list will be video rental rewind fees and how much New Coke sucks.

I have never met a woman who like this movie; every single fan is some lunk-head guy who just thinks it is the coolest thing ever. Blah. These are the same guys who…

People who make elaborate toasts:

I think it is the rhyming. The rhyming is annoying. Can we please take this drink without you living out your Dr. Seuss fantasy? Didn’t people used to just say “Cheers?” How about something subtle like clinking of glasses? If you really need to display your wit, here is a Sharpie, go write limericks on the men’s room wall.

Cinnamon flavored whiskey:

 So trendy! I feel like every few years some new flavor of drink comes out and is all the rage. A few years ago it was honey. Now I can’t go anywhere without people going crazy for cinnamon. I assume this is people who really like the flavor and consistency of cough syrup but feel weird buying Robitussin on a weekly basis. I get it, whiskey and bourbon taste, well, kind of bad. But I feel like this is the trade-off, a few seconds of making that “this tastes awful face” for the benefits of drinking. You know benefits like getting to make really bad rhyming toasts.

Adult men named Terry:

They are not to be trusted. I have zero evidence to support this. In fact, I don’t think I know a single man named Terry in real life. (Except for maybe Terry Bradshaw, via the TV, and I think we can all agree he is a certifiable odd ball.) This will not stop me from assuming they kick puppies, take your book mark so you lose your place, always want to split the check evenly at group dinners, and other general nefarious activity. But I am sure Terrys everywhere have nothing but good things to say about me.

That’s it, that’s the list. The furnace has returned to safe levels, the coals are cold, and we may now safely move forward. One quick disclaimer- I reserve the right to partake of any and all of these things at any given time. If you witness this, please do not hesitate to accuse me of hypocrisy. Especially if your name is Terry and you can do it with a rhyme.